So Much to Say...

Iamdonewithclasses!! D.O.N.E. Done! I took my last final today. I can't believe it! Everything is finally drawing to a close! I only have two (if you count the Praxis—three) things left to complete before my masters work is over: my internship and my research project. Both, relatively speaking, should be as easy as making a cake. The research may be a little harder then let's say… a single layer chocolate cake. Maybe it is more like a 10 layer chocolate cake, with raspberry filling, but HEY it’s like baking a cake none-the-less.

Okay, let me get back to the documentation of my final class' final (Say that three times fast.) and let me get off the random cake tangent…

Last night was like almost every night before an exam. Wilson had trouble sleeping. I don’t know how, or why, but Wilson always has a difficult night’s sleep the night before I have an exam. Maybe he senses my anxiety; I have no idea. What I do know is that he was up three times crying. I am assuming that he was cold (because he told me he was and I was freezing too) AND that he had a bad dream (because he had a frightened cry and asked me to hold him, which is not a normal request). But even though the night was rough, the morning went well. I woke up early to study and let Wilson sleep in a little longer than usual. We had a good breakfast. I took him to Mary's and my friend, Anna, came over to get a couple more hours of studying in. After our study session IT WAS TIME. dom ta dom dom dommmm...

I brought my camera to the exam to document the accomplishment. When I walked in and yelled, "IT IS OUR LAST FINAL!" Everyone smiled, some yelled back, and a few raised their hands with joy. It was actually a pretty cool moment. The exam itself took me 2 hours, in which I swear I wrote a complete book and by the end I couldn't feel my fingers. I am sure I did well on the exam because our teacher did a great job teaching and preparing us, and I studied my butt off. After the exam, I said a few goodbyes and drove to my practicum site for a signature on the clinical hours that I’ve completed this semester.

On my way there I was filled with a variety of emotions. First, I was elated. I’m talkin’ cloud nine!! Then, I started thinking back about everything that I have done to get to here and I realized that I am actually HERE. I am almost done!! It wasn’t long before my throat tightened and tears begin to fall down my face.

I, like many people, believe that looking back helps me see things more clearly. I also believe that in order for me to truly see where I will go, I must remember where I have been… Maybe it is my personality, or maybe it is how I process things. I don’t really know. I just know that today while driving in my car, 20 minutes after my final, I began to travel time, reliving various life experiences in my head like I was watching my own personal movie.

In the beginning of my recall, I relived moments from more recent times and then progressed to moments from a few years ago. I started going back in my head like a tape rewinding from the end to the beginning.

First, I recalled the past 18 months: All the courses I have worked so hard in, all the client’s I have seen, all the night’s spent sleeping apart from my husband, all the developmental milestones Wilson has overcome, all the renovations we have made to our home, all the things our family has done to support us (specifically, my dad spending a year with us), all the papers I’ve written, and all the friends I’ve made.

Then, like a true time traveler, I was transferred to my memories in Montana.
I remembered receiving the call from Dr. Madison at WSU telling me that I was accepted into the program. I remembered hearing the tone of his voice and how it turned from excitement to disappointment when I told him I would have to get back to him before I could accept the offer. I didn’t know if we could swing it. Our lives were already experiences major changes: Wilson was only three weeks old, Chris was getting out of the military and taking a job with PKS, in Vancouver, WA, and we were finishing the basement on our home and getting ready to put the house on the market.

I remembered back to the moment when Chris said, “I support whatever decision you make: stay at home with Wilson, or go to school. It doesn’t matter if I am in Portland or you are in Spokane. No matter what… we WILL make it work." I remembered my response, "I've worked too hard to quit now... We WILL make it work. We have to. We have to at least try. I have to try." After I reflected on my decision, our decision, for me to accept my acceptance into graduate school, I was taken back to other times when my dream wasn't even a choice.

I traveled back to my first rejection letter to a Masters program in speech-language pathology. (My stomach still turns knots when I think about it.) It was from the University of Northern Colorado and began something like this: “Ms. Hudson, after careful consideration, we regret to inform you that at this time we are unable to accept you into the program.... blah, blah, blah." At this reflection I paused, and said a few kind words to all the seven universities that felt I was not “good enough” for acceptance.

Then, as fast as I was taken to memories of unacceptance I was taken to memories of why I chose the commit myself to this dream.

Specifically, I was taken to a winter’s day in Alaska. It was cold and dark, as usual, and I was driving home from my job on base at the child development center. Chris was gone, as he was many of the winter months (lucky him). I pulled off the road, near the entrance to base, just off the highway. I called Chris and told him that I was done working at the CDC. Well, at least I was done working there full time. I explained that I HAD to do more with my life. I didn’t feel like I was making enough of an impact on the lives of others. I confessed my yearning to go back to school and that I had planned on enrolling in classes at UAF.

This realization was a turning point in my life, and the classes were doors that were waiting to be opened. I took upper level undergraduate course work in a variety of areas that interested me: social work, early childhood education, and sociology. I learned so much that semester in Alaska. I learned more about myself, learned that I had a passion for learning, and, more importantly, I learned more about the skills of being a student. Before the end of the semester I was offered a job with the school district as an emergency certified Speech-Language Pathologist. Within a week of my new job I knew that becoming a Speech-Language Pathologist was not a want. It was a must.

My first year of applying to WSU I was not accepted. I called the university and was told that with 300 applicants only 25 were accepted. I asked if I could meet with the chair of the program to discuss my application and scheduled an appointment for the second of May 2006.

I traveled to this meeting briefly today. I remembered telling Dr. Madison, calmly and confidently, that this is what I wanted to do and what I will do. So, if he could kindly recommend some things for me to do to prove my abilities, I would really appreciate it. After his suggestions I applied to the Master of Teaching program at the University of Great Falls (where we were moving) and was accepted. I took at total of 15 semester credits, maintained a 4.0, and reapplied to WSU, which brings me back to… HERE-- almost done with my master's, and SO GLAD to be taking part of the journey.